Home is Home

Ahh! So here I am sitting in front of blogger after so many months of utter silence. Yes, I know, it's been forever since I published my last post. So many things have happened...the ongoing Euro crisis in Europe, the division of Sudan into North Sudan and South Sudan, ''Occupy Nigeria'' during the fuel subsidy crisis (which amounted to absolutely nothing for the average Nigerian man in the end), Boko (freaking!) Haram in Nigeria and other woes around the world. One can only try to ignore the bad news and try to find good in every corner...if not you get a hypertension from just thinking about it.

So, despite the hype generated around fear, I have decided to continue to do good in my own corner and invest in the future of Nigeria...my children and other children...who need a different and more structured and patriotic path to follow. If we cannot train our kids to do different from what we see, we have no hope...

Back to the topic....so I have returned back to Nigeria after a 2-year fantasy-like posting in France. It was fantastic. I almost did not want to return back but that was a crazy thought that lasted for a minute....okay okay....maybe a day...or two. I started enjoying my time there just when it was about to end....irony of life. Despite that temporary feeling, I was happy to come back home.

And I knew I was arriving the Portharcourt airport when I saw all the beautiful greenery including elephant grass surrounding the airport. Then coming down the flight of steps from the airplane directly to earth (no confined elevated airplane pathways here, you walk your way in rain or sunshine to the arrival terminal....yes sir ree!). It did not help that it was drizzling though but it was a welcome feeling after being in the plane for hours. Then the battle for luggages and custom clearing which took another 2 hours and then we were on our way.

Driving past suya vendors, amidst loud honking horns and screams of different curse words from drivers  "Waka shege banga! " "your mama! " " Idiot" "Anu Ofia" and all kinds of expletives were just music to my ears."..well you know,  some sort of musical sound anyway...music that meant I was back to Portharcourt.

It was great. Now we are fully settled in, the kids are in school and hubby has started work...and I....well I am coming back to me. A lot has happened and is happening. I will let you in on the details in upcoming posts. For now, I bid you farewell until the next post. Let me know ow you felt at any homecoming you have made in the recent past. Home is home, no matter what...east, west, north, south....no place like home.

 I am home...

She stoops to conquer....The story of Queen Vashti, the expressive woman

I believe I have an expressive, open personality. Sometimes, I love that about me and other times, I hate that part of me the most.

This brings me to the topic. The issue of self-expression of women in their relationships. Can this truly be possible for a long-lasting peaceful relationship?

Queen Vashti was a very beautiful queen. She was also organized, classy and fashionable. She is supposed to be one of the noted queens in history....but is not for one thing....She was also an expressive woman.

Her husband was the ultimate emperor before the time of Christ. He ruled over mordern day Iraq and most of mordern day Europe and North Africa. His name was Xerxes...(yes, he was the man who Sparta refused to bow to in the movie ''300''... Google him, he was interesting)

Xerxes decided to throw a very grand party for all his subjects in his palace and had so much wine for everyone to drink as they liked. Of course, most of them got drunk including the king himself. In his drunken, slurry, probably dirty state, the king ordered his beautiful wife to appear before all his subjects so they could behold and admire her beauty.

Now, as an expressive woman, who would refuse to pretend to tolerate such nonsense displays, I think most of us may have done what the queen did....she refused. She refused because she knew her husband was in a drunken state and probably did not know what he was really doing (embarassing himself and putting his wife at risk amongst hundreds of drunken, sexually active men)...she refused because she felt humiliated...she refused because she probably did not want to appear as just a ''trophy wife'' but as a woman of principle...she refused because she just did not want to go and she stood her ground. 

Queen Vashti (Source: Wikipedia)

How did that end up? Queen Vashti never saw the king again and was replaced. No one knows of her except  for the story of Queen Esther, the wise queen who took her place, did as she was expected to behave and in the end, had the king licking off her feet to the point of his offering her half of his kingdom. For those of you who are christians, You all know Queen Esther right? The one with a chapter in the Bible named after her? Yep....she was the replacement for an expressive, stand-her-ground-for-her-rights woman. 

Queen Esther (Source: Wikipedia)

Esther has always been a woman to study for most christian women and too many people have forgotten her predecessor and her obvious similarity with the mordern woman. They also forget that as mordern as women may be, the man is not so mordern. Indeed, the man of today is so much like his ancestors. They adore the appeasement of their egos. They bask in the praises of their contemporaries and subordinates...and women. They detest to be insulted, disobeyed and put down by their women...no matter who she may be. 

This issue of expressing our every mood, desire, want, need, worry, opinion.....etc...is really a very sensitive and even more important issue. Most men, believe it or not...do not understand that part of an expressive woman. As a wife, or partner, you have to pick your battles. You cannot stand for every single right you can come up with and expect Mr. man to understand, accept and implement. You have to pick the ones you truly cannot tolerate and express them to Mr. man in a way that Mr. man will never guess he is being corrected or attacked. Esther showed us how by planning a feast for Xerxes for 3 days, keeping him on his toes trying to guess and figure out what she was thinking..and then after getting him all waxxed up and happy to the point of offering half of his kingdom, Esther made her request.

To us, the expressive kind who are honest and open, and refuse to divulge in ''games'' (as we may call them)... and refuse to use a man's weaknesses against himself, we may think this is just mean and cold-calculated to get a man to do what we want. We believe in ''convincing'' a man to consider our feelings and adapt out of ''love''. This is not possible....not for a hard-working, successful, providing man. I repeat, this is not possible.

My mother once made a comment when I was younger and had just exploded about some random issue I had...she just said ''She stoops to conquer''. I did not understand then what that meant. Now I do. Indeed, a woman must stoop to conquer the heart and emotions of a man. It is either you fight and express yourself in the wrong way and in turn stir up the wrong emotions of non-chalance, 'defence', lack of communication, the death of passion...etc....or you stoop and be wise and play the game of men. 

What path will you choose? Time to wise up Ladies!!

No more princess movies!

So here is the story...

My family and I were on our way to Italy and had a stopover in Bacerlona, Spain. The airport in Bacerlona is nice...even had a little slide and play area for kids. Naturally, we gravitated towards the area.

So here we were, sitting, watching the kids play, slide, run around...have a good time....and then a lovely spanish little girl comes over to play. So my son comes over after a while and starts to complain (about sharing the slide...boys... :-) and he goes...
'
"Mummy, the princess is on my slide''

At first, I disregarded it...and then he says it again...this time pointing at her...''Mummy, princess is on my slide''

I looked at him and did not want to believe it for a second and asked ''Mitchy, you mean Gabbie the princess?'' (Gabbie is his sister)

Then he says...very loud...''NO! Gabbie is not a princess, the princess is THAT one''

Oh bly me! My hubby and I were stunned and laughed at first and then, we were like...ok...this is very serious...

Apparently, all the barbie princess movies and the fairy movies they watch show caucasian girls...the only one which has a black princess is The princess and the frog...and all that voodoo stuff in the movie scares them silly!!!

So I decided, no more princess movies in the house! I have to search for more african/black movies which show black royalty. I have nothing against barbie princess movies...infact I love them..but then my daughter thinks long flowing hair is the definition of beauty and getting married is the ultimate goal of a woman....while my son thinks only caucasian girls can be princesses! Mon Dieu!

Does anyone have any suggestions for TV time? Let me know!

Au Gratin de Pommes de terre...Uzo Style ;)

I am not sure if I mentioned that I currently live in France now. My husband was transferred here for work and we have been here for about 9 months. So don't ask me to speak french fluently, because you will be not only utterly disappointed but it may ruin your lovely vision of the language. I can write and read better than I speak...the accent is so hard to catch!


Anyway, they have a special dish especially in the south of france called Au gratin. It is a dish which involves your baking vegetables or fish with cheese and spiced bread crumbs. Pommes de terre is french for potatoes...donc (so) this is a recipe for a potato au gratin. I love it because it is so easy to make and absolutely delicious! The kids will eat it off their plates...you can count on it! Try it and let me know what you think!

Preparation time: 10 mins

Cooking time: 35-45 mins

For four people (2 adults, 2 very hungry kids...! Take note!)

Ingredients

4 large potatoes

1 medium onion

Half of a red pepper

150g of chorizo sausages (Hot, dried sausages)

5 heaped tablespoons of crème fraîche

5 heaped tablespoons of your favorite tomato sauce (in my case, Nigerian stew)

Two pinches of salt

Two pinches of pepper (optional…but Suya pepper preferable)

Two heaped tablespoons of grated cheese (any kind, preferably mozzarella)

Two heaped tablespoons of either spiced or regular bread crumbs

125ml of water

Method

Cut the potatoes into thin slices

Cut or blend or grate the onion

Cut the red pepper into thin strips

Cut the sausages into small cubes

Mix all with the crème fraiche, tomato sauce, salt, pepper and water and pour into an oven dish

Heat oven to 180 C and put in the dish for about 30 mins. Check to ensure the potatoes are done and the mixture will be bubbly at this point. Sprinkle the grated cheese on the top and allow to melt for another 5 mins and then sprinkle the bread crumbs and leave for another 5-7 mins or until brown. Switch off the oven, and serve hot! Delicieux!

Substitute for crème fraîche
(Please note this subsitute takes 12 hours or overnight to prepare. Some people suggest just using very think yoghurt or sour cream but I believe this tends to "curdle" when heated. You can just use thick greek yoghurt if you lack the patience but it is worth it! :))

I understand  crème fraîche would be hard to find anywhere but France...so I found the following subsitute for crème fraîche online and I can't find remember where! If you do, let me know so I can give the author due acknowledgement.

Ingredients
1/2 cup sour creame
1/2 cup whipping cream
OR
1 cup whipping cream
3 tablespoons low-fat (not nonfat) buttermilk

Method
Mix your ingredients. Place in glass jar or non-reactive bowl. Cover and let stand 12 hours. After your cream has thickened and fermented, refrigerate and use within 10 days.

Get out of that "darkness"! - For heart broken singles and married folk

You know, I don't know if men go through the same things as ladies, but ladies get so down when matters of the heart prove unsuccessful.

So he hurt you so much. He betrayed your trust and left you high and dry. Or he just ignores you and treats you less than his computer....and even his blackberry is more valuable to him than you are... You just want to switch off the lights, lock your doors and stay in one little corner of the room and sulk and weep and...just die. Food is tasteless, you hate going out, you refuse to pick up the phone, you just walk around your house and work like a zombie...wishing you did not exist and wondering what you did to deserve this pain...

Ok...STOP RIGHT THERE!


This is dedicated to you. Are you ready to stop feeling the "pain"? Let us go step by step in getting out of that "darkness".

1) Cry it out. Yes yes, cry it out. You are allowed to. Cry till your eyes hurt and all you can do is sleep

2) When you wake up, go for a walk in a nice park...if you can. For people who don't have parks around or somewhere safe to walk...just do some form of exercise. Jog around or skip rope or do stomach crunches...something active

3) If you are married or have a partner, stop expecting him or her to do this or that or love you more. Love yourself more. Start finding yourself again. Start doing something for YOURSELF and not him/her. Seriously, stop waiting to be included in their programs. Find YOUR program and stick to it and when he/she finally asks you to go somewhere, you say "I am busy"...that's right.
 
4) This is a continuation of number 3 and applys to single and married. If you don't know what to do to occupy your time, find a goal or project you have always considered doing but just never got around to it. Dedicate that time you used on him/her and the time used feeling down and out...to that new project. Write it down and the steps to take to reach that goal. Work on it...hard... Any project will do..from determining to drink one gallon of water per day or working on improving your skin or hair texture to loosing those 20 extra pounds or starting your own company! Get loads of information from the internet about that project. Set small goals and achieve them and watch yourself feel better!

5) Start working on getting physically fit and eating well. I put taking a walk right after crying because being active has a positive effect on a person's mood. When you begin to make this a lifestyle, you not only feel better on the "outside" but on the inside.

6) There is no need sharing your emotional woes with every person you meet. This is especially true for married folk. Like they say...20% of them don't care and the other 80% are glad you have those problems...(That is overexaggerated though...)...but my point is you have to find a way to hold your tongue when you meet people. People may think all there is to you is just emotional drama...but there is much more to you than that!

7) Continuation of  6: You do need to talk, but talk to a close knit of friends and family you trust who can give you good advice on how to deal with things. Most of the times, though, family can be biased, so seek someone unbiased to help shed light on areas you need more knowledge. If you don't have any friends because you have a rotten character, work on being a better human being as your little project.
Turn to God and ask earnestly, from your heart, to help. Talk to him like you would talk to any other person. Whether you are muslim, christian, buddhist, or even athiest, talk to that unseen spiritual positive force and confide in it.

8) If you are in an abusive relationship where you (and maybe your kids) are beaten all the time...run run run run run! Please do not hesitate to share this particular problem so you can find someone to help you.

By the time, you find a project to do, you will be so busy researching the internet and watching videos on youtube that you will forget some sucker "dumped" you. He would finally be the "best thing you never had"  and you would have found the "good in goodbye" (according to Beyonce ;)

There is more to life. Living is hard, I know, but it is so short that it will soon be over before you know it. So why go kill yourself or others when death will come anyway? Take the challenge of living each day as best as you can....focus on the joys more than the sorrows. Let's do this. Let's feel better, people.
Better-feeling people make better-feeling nations. Get out of that darkness.

Just do it

I have actually been thinking about starting a blog....I had a vision, a dream, a fantasy of creating a new world for myself online....where I could express and share my thoughts and knowledge and ideas...and have people I had never met before (and may never meet) be inspired....or identify with my experience and share their own thoughts and ideas with me...

That was....ehm....about four to five years ago now...

You see, I have come to the reality of the fact that I am an avid procrastinator. I delay things that I know must surely be done to a later time. It starts most times with delaying the time I wake up by pushing the alarm snooze button...or just canceling the alarm altogether. Sometimes, I actually believe I can drive a distance which should normally take...at the least... 17 mins...in less than 10 mins. It ends most days with my delaying my sleep time...just randomly searching the internet for whatever...

Procrastination....I have realized...is a very very dangerous thing. It is very dangerous because it can be so subtle...it is so easy to deny. For example, you have an assignment to do. You know it is due in two weeks. You don't understand the main topic...much less the questions...but you know it represents 20% of your grade. It's a monday. You say...well, I have to do this and that which is more important...and that and this...the weekend will be the perfect time to start it. The weekend comes and then you realize you have chores to do, people to see, places to go...you delay it again. One week gone. The next week, same thing...and then you find yourself on a sunday night before the due date, having a sleepless night working on an assignment you don't know the head or tail about.

Another common example is in loosing weight. Hello! A lot of us are guilty about this one. You know you want to loose that weight. Those extra pounds are just weighing you down. You know it, you feel it. You say..."I have to loose weight. I will start running first thing tommorrow". Tommorrow comes and you press that snooze button and before you know it, it's time for work. You move it to the next day..and the next...and the next...and then two years later, you are even more heavy!
It is because of this single reason that people do not do the best they know they can do and end up settling for less because of this evil thing called procrastination. Dangerous, wouldn't you say?

One factor of procrastination that is often excluded when people talk about it is the search of the impossible, unfathomable, unattainable thing called "perfect timing". There is no such thing as perfect timing. For example, you are newly married and you are considering if you should go ahead and get that online degree...then you say..."Ah, I don't have the time...I need to concentrate on my hubby and me...on my job...on conceiving..on my business...I will start when I am pregnant and get some months off..." Then you get pregnant, and you feel all oozy and sick and nauseous....and all you can do...is all you can do! You move it to after the baby....then baby comes and you realize..."oh hell...this is a lot of work!" and you move it to when baby can walk...and then baby walks around, talks a lot and well...destroys a lot..and you say "oh dear, when baby grows and can take care of itself..." and then baby grows but then you get pregnant again and the whole cycle starts again....before you know it, 10 years have gone by. (Now I am a mother of two and my babies are more precious than any degree in the world...but you get what I mean?...)


My point is there is no perfect timing. You want to start something? Start it now. Time waits for no man. Start it now. Stop procrastining, get organized and keep on moving.

Another key factor which leads to procrastination is depression. Yes, yes the big D word. You feel down, you feel blue, you feel out, you feel like a failure...you don't want to go on anymore...and then..you just don't go on anymore! You find yourself at a standstill...exactly where you were four years ago, is where you are today. And you feel like shit for that. Depression is a mind thing....no one can help you better than yourself. It helps to share but you have to be the one to get out of it...and move on. As my cousin's lovely wife would say it...I have worn that t-shirt before. I think many many people have worn that t-shirt more than you can imagine and ripped it apart and moved on! You need to do the same to get going.

Life is a journey; it never ends until life ends. You have to keep on moving. You have great ideas, great lyrics, great dreams...go ahead and work on them...one by one, step by step. Never underestimate the power of small beginnings. You may fail, but that is fine, learn and move on.

So...let us stop putting that clock on snooze and looking for excuses on why we are not where we want to be...let us work on ourselves...let us do this... just do it.